Mittwoch, 15. März 2017

Letter

Ok. That's it. I am so done with ... people. Ok, fine. Not people, rather 9Guy. I could call it love, but why should I admit to that? Giving him satisfaction, surrender to him even within my own mind? I let him have utter control over me. He sat in my head for so long, making me wanting to vanish from existence almost every day. Hurting my chest, while I kept trying to play it cool. I guess I just couldn't face the fact of being rejected, neglected. At the same time, watching myself fall into old habits, gaining weight, eating, because I felt like I couldn't bear with simply existing any longer... sleeping pills, cigarettes, alcohol and food being the only available things that could ease this debilitating attitude I developed ,if only for a few moments. I knew what he was doing to me, rather, what I was doing to myself because frankly, he didn't really do a thing. Why couldn't you just tell me it was just a game, probably even less? A few rough but honest words would have made things so much easier. And the funny thing is, I know that he knows what he triggered inside of me. Although I tried so hard to hide it. He knows, even with thousands of miles between us, even while I am here in Argentina..- he knows it. And it gives him a kick. Some kind of 'pleasure'. Along with all the other weird tics he has...all the other psycho stuff he told me about. Oddly enough, that side of him seemed to turn me on.
 But, whatever, it doesn't matter anymore.
I just wrote this because I realized how much of a self-destructive coward I've become. Years ago I could have never seen myself in the position I am now, could never have imagined that I could let a person have so much control over me. Always been lacking empathy when coming across a person in a similar situation in a book or a movie. And although I've been watching myself for that long, I didn't feel the need to actually intervene in any way. I thought "I'll be able to cope with that, everybody goes through these kind of phases." But the sad thing is, jumping off the 2nd floor sneaked into my mind because I was frustrated. Since a long time. It caused me to sit in my room for days, alone, constantly drinking, not wanting nor being able to talk to anyone. Even though it's incredibly pathetic, I know this downwards spiral was affected by him too. Other things as well of course.
I just don't know what to do anymore. Life was a big adventure not long ago. Why couldn't I keep things up? Is it that I wanted him so bad because I know he doesn't care? And what now?
I will meet him again, and if it's only to get a few things back. This never was a relationship and it will never be. I owe myself a little dignity. At the end I can only say at least I tried.






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